9.11.03

Today I'm a fashion disaster. Well, my choice of pajamas is at any rate. S'okay, I'm comfy and that's what counts I guess, right? Today's a weird day... so many anniversaries and of course the one on everyone's mind is 9.11 of '01... And reflecting on how that day played out in my life hasn't really helped any, I kind of thinkabout it in passing and move on... it's like, I don't know. I just wonder if any of us will ever forget the day the WTC collapsed, it's like the "where were you when Kennedy was shot?" for my generation. I'd like to say that for me that day started out like any other but it didn't... I had been looking forward to celebrating the first anniversary of my emancipation (of course at the time of the emancipation I looked at it as the most horrid tragic breakup in the history of the world but have since realized it's the day I became free to become myself in all my glory) but ended up getting the shit beat out of me by Earl. He was just another in a long string of incredibly weird guys I would hang out with for a few weeks at a time, only he was rather unpredictable and had (has?) a pretty serious drinking problem. Sure he was entertaining at times but that doesn't forgive the fact that someone I'd been with gave me a concussion. And not having had any sleep the night before, all I could think about was coffee and going home to take a nap when the drama started to unfold and our country was hurled full-force into a state of incredible weirdness. And it was like, I couldn't talk to anyone about it because, I mean, how freakin' selfish would that have been to say "hey wait, there's this thing that happened to me" when the whole world was falling apart? And now I look at the whole thing as just some anniversary of an event (or events) that of course marked a serious change in my life and the lives of many, many others and I don't care to think about it, the day comes and goes and I'm so happy when it's over. Anyway. It's obvious that I'm just tired and babbling here so I apologize to my loyal fans (ha!) Of course this was all made better by a bit of happy news I received today but of course the past few weeks of my life have been the weirdest rollercoaster ride of happy/sad/confused/ecstatic ever and I still question how happy I'm allowed to be when everything is so uncertain. And I am happy. Not about the loss and pain and heartbreak that is surely occuring, of course, but if I can in any way make anyone happy then I will do it and... ugh. I don't know. I'm just so freaking annoying I think, the way I over-analyze and question everything. Things happen for a reason, they do. And if I have even a snowball's chance in hell of getting something good for myself for a change then my Lord, why can't I just accept it? People do things for a reason. Things happen. I'm surely not the only person who's gone through what I'm going through but it seems so weird, I want to believe in this fairy tale ending where I ride off into the sunset with the most incredibly beautiful, intelligent, wonderful, sweet and absolutely gorgeous man that I've ever known but the pessimist in me says no way, it ain't gonna happen but it sure is fun to think about! Like why would I ever get a chance to be with someone so cool, no matter how it happens? Okay. I'm ridiculous. I've got to step back into the place where I'm okay... I'm okay. I'm not horribly disfigured. A little odd looking, maybe. I'm intelligent. Some people find me interesting and fun to hang out with. I'm okay. I do deserve good things. I have a lot to offer people. Ha! I just love the fucking pep talks I try to give myself all the time. It's amusing, at any rate. To me anyway. And honestly, if this was anyone else I knew thinking half as much as I do about everything I'd say go for it. You only live once and the risks that come from loving someone are far less bad than taking a risk on not doing that... I've got too much good in my heart not to share it and I'm pretty sure that in spite of some of the shit I've lived through that things really do work out for the best. Well, of course they do, I've learned that lesson several times over now. So I'm silly and ridiculous and overly optimistic at times while being horribly negative at the same time. I want to believe that I deserve good things. Maybe one of these days I'll learn to write short, coherent sentences that make sense. I just have so many things running through my mind that I can't focus on writing. Well, I guess that was fairly obvious.

I'm going to go to bed now and focus on what's good. I've had so many good happy thoughts lately and it feels really, really nice.