9.2.03

Was kind of tired all day, that seemed to be going around the office, but I'm feeling much better now having taken a long walk... I forgot my walkman (actually I didn't even think of it until I saw some older dude out walking with one) but it was nice to just walk along, the weather was perfect for it - not too hot, not too cold. I look like quite a potato naked (gained 13 lbs since last summer!) so I'm hoping to change that as winter approaches... Exercise is good for depression, too, something that I keep forgetting. Speaking of which, it occured to me the other day that I hadn't had any self-destructive urges in like, I don't know, five or six, maybe seven days... Maybe longer, but me being depressed and hating myself is something I'd gotten so used to that it seemed odd to me to realize that I've been feeling pretty okay lately. I'm terrified, though, that as it gets colder and darker I'll start sinking again... I've never really been able to prove that it's seasonal, but last winter I was a mess and I definitely wasn't getting as much exercise, I was driving to work an awful lot and without having Lucy around (she'd been on a diet so I had to take long doggie walks with her) I guess I just kept getting fatter... and more depressed... and fatter... and things were a little stressful at work too so all in all I was a fairly miserable me. So anyway, hoping to avoid that at all costs this year, because it was terrifying to feel so lost and hopeless so much of the time, in spite of all the good things I'd accomplished. I think I'm going to try to take advantage of the fact that I've been waking up so damned early, too. It's like, I really have no desire to get up at 5 am, it's too damned dark out, but pretty soon it'll be too dark after work to walk too, so I think I'll get up, meditate a little until the sun comes up then do a couple miles... I decided to double my daily mileage for the next couple months (gotta fit into my winter clothes!) and w/o a dog I'm going to have to work that much harder, no more easy canine-induced one milers. And one of these days I have got to get Steev out on rollerblades! We kept trying all summer to coordinate it, but it was either always rainy or one of us had therapy or meetings or had to work late on any of the nice days... luckily we (I) came up with a backup plan - hippie dancing! One evening I was just goofing around listening to the mango song or something and I just randomly started throwing these moves I used to do in aerobics in there and I was like wow, aerobic hippie dancing! Dude, what better way to kill 1/2 an hour or so, with practically no effort? So that's my backup in case I don't have time to walk, can't really do aerobics in the house living on the top floor, but I can still do quite a little shuffle w/o too much bouncing around... As we can see here, ol' Heather is pretty determined not to sink into the doldrums this winter, I was awful the way I would just shut myself off from everyone, skip happy hour on Friday and just sit home feeling sorry for myself or crying myself into a frenzy. I'm going to make an honest effort to reach out, make new friends, meet new people, whatever I have to do... I just wish that either I had Thursdays off or the Deadbeats played around here on either a Friday or Saturday night (well, sometimes they do play on Saturdays at the Lark Tavern) because I meet the best people at those shows. And even if I don't get to talk to anyone I still have a heck of a good time.

Ugh. I suppose I should put together a list of supplies I'll need to make my Halloween costume... like in the middle of sewing the Raggedy Ann costume last year I was like wow! Next year I'll go medieval! So my mom got me a pattern, now I feel compelled to at least try to make it in lieu of suffering through a guilt-trip. That and I can probably make a groovy cape or something, I'll need it if it's as cold this year as last year, Trick-or-Treat on Lark St. was hella fun but I was freezing by the end of the night. Of course, getting egged didn't help either... I need to figure out what to do the rest of that weekend too, I avoided J's party last year so it really is time again, I seem to hit one every other year or so... I don't know, though, I'm totally up in the air at this point, I really do want to go sort of, but will it be weird? I don't know. I'll figure that out later, I guess. We'll see how gas prices are at that point, too. Haha! I blame everything on the cost of fuel! At one point I thought I might like to have a party myself this year, I haven't had one since like high school, but Steph didn't seem awful enthused when I ran it by her and without my old crew it would be hard to fill up a house... I've managed to stay friends with the people most important to me, but unfortunately none of them seem to get along, at least not Fred and Steev, Steev and Tom get along fine I think but Tom always has plans lately... Anyway. It's only like September, I don't need to worry about this for a while (the eternal procrastinator that I am!) although there is something comforting about having decent plans that I can look forward too... Oh well!