7.15.03

Ugh. It's my sis-in-law's birthday today and I haven't been able to get ahold of her to wish her a happy birthday, and I forgot to mail her card... weather's getting warmer again, still not completely icky, but not as cool as the past couple of days either. I'm sitting here wondering what the hell I ever started doing this for, I really should put more effort in my other journals or writing in general, but I don't know that this damned site has any real utility. Not much exciting going on, still freaking about my bills and Cosmo, wearing some new Birks that my parents got me for my birthday (finally came today!), Delilah's in the shop again (brakes, oil change, tune-up!) and I don't know what the hell to do about this Phish-tastrophe. I don't even want to go anymore, it just doesn't make sense to me when I don't have any money but I'm having a hard time getting rid of the tickets, too... wondering if I should just cut my losses and skip the whole thing. Steph invited me again to go on the road trip to Colorado, Molly seems excited too, and I want to so bad I can fucking taste it. But of course, I have no money, if I do sell the Phish tix it will be to pay bills, not travel, and I'm sure that we won't both be able to be on vaca at the same time... and then there's Ben, wouldn't want to make him uncomfortable, especially given his tendency to assume that I want something more from him than just a little respect. I can just see it now, turning into another one of those things where he thinks the whole trip is more than it is - me helping Steph help Molly move and of course my own selfish interest in this - getting to see the motherfucking Rocky Mountains. My mom's right, this is the opportunity of a lifetime, when the hell am I ever going to get the chance to drive to Colorado again? So it would be fun, it would be a great time, and to hell with B and his idioacy. Whatever. Even if I did have the money and could get the time off, I wouldn't go. I'm a complete outsider, the three of them have known each other forever. I'll just drive out there sometime on my own. Saves me the trouble of dealing with any potential heartbreak and weirdness. I can't deal with it anymore, the constant "oh he really likes you" crap. He does? Really? Cause I couldn't tell between the drunken phone calls, broken promises and assumption that I'm just a convenient person to hang out with when we're in the same town together. I'm not mad at him, I'm glad we got to seal the deal, so to speak, and glad that it finally gave me a reason to pretty much forget about M. I think that a tiny part of me almost believed that he was ready to be a human again, that he was capable of being a nice guy. Ha. Nice guy my ass, none of 'em are, the whole human race sucks and we're getting worse, not better. No one cares about anyone else anymore, we only care about what we can get from someone. And people wonder why I hate life sometimes. This is not the time I want to be on this planet, in a world full of hatred, loathing and deception, a world where love no longer exists. I like the quaintness of the 50's, the naughtiness of the 20's... then of course I realize it was probably the same back then too, people were just more subtle about it. Oh well. I think for the most part I'm completely satisfied to be in this journey on my own, I don't have to put up with anyone's bullshit. On the other hand, sometimes it would be nice to have someone out there, my own special person... but who the hell can you trust? I trust myself, most of the time, to be faithful and loving, but I don't see that in most of the people I meet... Hmm. Well, not gonna think about that anymore. Maybe I should ponder the rather brazen move I made to put my breasts online. Yep, on this here website, somewhere in another section... mostly a joke for my friend Jeff, partly a way of forcing myself to come to terms with my chunkiness and accept that we're all different and that diversity is beautiful. Hell, even if I wore a size 6, I'm still pale, still have freckles, still a little odd looking and I somehow doubt that losing 50 lbs will land me the catch of the day anytime soon. So to summarize, for today... I'm much further in debt than I'd like to be, still need to apply to grad school, I'm a little lumpy, I have beautiful breasts, and as much as I want to hate Ben for his rather jerky tendences, I'm sure that I'll love him just as much as ever when he calls to say thanks for the CDs I mailed to him. My car's in the shop, I have new shoes, and it's still cool enough to sleep comfortably, so I think I'm going to hop in bed to watch some tv and do some knitting. Till some other time...

Damnit. I wish I could go to Colorado. I wish I could do that, see Marty in Woodstock, go to Phish, rent a Mustang to drive to Pittsburgh with my mom and still Marty in VT, all the while having a nice relaxing time during my vacation. Ha! Might as well wish that Ben was a normal person too, someone who didn't go running away all the time. Now to go find a genie lamp to rub, make all those wishes come true...