6.11.03
Open house
at Sage tonight, which I really want to try to get to, then an appt @ 6:30 followed by dinner at Delmonico's w/ some friends. Worked quite late last night,
was completely exhausted but kind of wound up when I got home. Took a codeine and hopped in bed, and as a result had some
wacky-assed dreams. I was all dressed up at this huge high school auditorium,
helping Marty Sexton to sweep the floors and get hotel rooms ready and stuff
before this show, and throughout the dream I could hear this girl with this
awful voice just chattering endlessly about Ben, how she wanted Ben, couldn't
wait to see him and sleep with him again, how even though she had a boyfriend
she didn't really care because he was so into her and it was just so worth it
to her to be with him when she could, etc... and the whole time my face was
getting red and I just keep sweeping those floors, getting everything all
cleaned up and I was singing to myself the whole time, either Real Man or Women
and Wine, I think, and Marty was like hey, everything's gonna
be ok and the girl's voice just kept getting louder... finally Steph showed up and told me not to worry about it, that
this girl is always chasing Ben at shows, she's just crazy... and she was like
anyway, when you see him you guys should just do that thing you do, you know
how you get all snuggly and cute, just kiss him and everything will be fine...
(I don't know that we've ever been cute and snuggly in public, well, not as a
rule - but this was a dream)Then I woke up, sat bolt upright in bed actually,
and I had to pee so bad that snoozing through the alarms was not an option. I
know brooms and sweeping have significance, so I'll have to look through my
dream books when I get a chance... it's just so weird when I have dreams that
are so annoying, infuriating and frustrating all at once, it makes me wake up
feeling like I haven't gotten any sleep at all... Oh well. I just wish I knew
who to believe/trust in this whole mess and maybe that's where the dream came
from, my own sense of disatisfaction with some of the
choices I've made lately... I just don't know what's going on anymore, I just know that I spend too much time thinking.
And not just about this, about things in general. It would be nice if just
once, something, anything, could be simple. I mean, what happened in November,
I figured that was just a fluke and it didn't matter, then everyone was all
like "oh he likes you, he really really likes
you" so I got all excited and I just couldn't wait for NYE, got all
dressed up and brought gifts and everything, had a nice kiss at midnight then
some other girl grabbed him and instead of stepping in and staking my claim I
was like "oh." I just backed away, stood there staring in disbelief,
and finally walked off to the bar... and then I forgot about it. At least until
a couple weeks ago... and I'd been left hanging, not knowing where my loyalties
should lie but having finally been convinced by my friends that it didn't
matter... so I went with the flow. Oops. Now I get the sense
that I've been fooled again, made to believe in the honesty of people's
intentions. Whatever. I need to figure out
what's wrong with me that makes me such an easy target
for men. God forbid I actually meet anyone who has my best interests or
feelings in mind, but I've already said it, some guys'll
park their dick anywhere and I guess I'm just anywhere to some people. Hello,
I'm a person too, you know. Like someone who can carry on a conversation and do
the laundry and do crossword puzzles with you? I just wish I knew why the past
few days have been so miserable for me... I'd been so content for so long then
all this crap started floating into my life again... Oh well. I'm glad that Ri is here w/ Steph,
but I'm missing hanging out with her and our happy hours, midweek runs to the
diner, etc... it was nice having a gal-pal and I think sitting home alone at
night just started beating me down, especially with this awful weather, and I
started feeling pathetic because I wasn't sleeping well at all, tossing and
turning, hugging my pillows, just wishing with all my heart that just every
once in a while I could wake up with someone's arms around me, just have
someone there when I get out of the shower to wish me well and send me off to
work in the morning feeling good about myself... I've been relying on me for so
long that instead of thriving on it I think I was just getting worn down... I'm
better now, for the most part, I think. Stupid boss called from Hawaii
yesterday to yell and scream at me for people calling his cell phone because
they didn't know he was on vaca, but I had done my
part, if they didn't know then it's their own damn fault. I hope the rest of
the week goes well, there are only 2 more days till the weekend! I need to
start working on not being so hard on myself all the time... I take such pride
in doing everything for myself and being completely self-sufficient that when I
do ache with lonliness I feel so guilty that I just
start beating myself up about everything. And it's not just that, I want so
much sometimes to do everything and be everything that I've developed this
incredible fear... if I fail, that sucks, but if I succeed and people want more
and I fail at living up to the expectations... well I think that would suck
more but I'm too afraid to find out... Well, I guess I won't be lonely too much
longer, hopefully will start school in the fall, planning for National Night
Out is going to take up a big chunk of time, I've got lots of art and poetry
events to attend and I hope to start volunteering w/ Literacy Volunteers soon.
I mean I
guess I might still be lonely at times, but I think I have to be ok with that.
At least I'll have people around me, every once in a while I need that kind of
random socialization that I miss by not having a dog at the moment! Not to
worry, I do take plenty of solace in my occasional solitude as well. Whatever. Now I'm just babbling.