Humpday

June 4, 2003

Yes, I'm a slacker. And a bitch, a slut, a cunt, crazy, stupid, brilliant, fat, ugly, thin, cute, you name it, I've been called it. I'm confused, too, but that's nothing new. I don't even think confusion is the word. I stand up for myself and let people walk all over me at the same time. I love myself and hate myself, and love to hate myself, and hate to love myself because I'm afraid it makes me look cocky and self-assured. I fall in and out of love as often as some people sneeze. Naive and cunning at the same time. Playing the game but trying so hard to believe that there is no game. Bitter, sweet, bold, afraid... you name it. I'm a constant contradiction. I believe in love at the same time that I denounce its existence. The only thing I know for sure is that it's getting way past 5, I have some stuff to finish up before I can leave, an appt. at 6:30 that I would love to blow off and as fucking usual, the eternal cobwebs cluttering up my head with stuff that is just so stupid for me to be thinking about. I'm quite grumpy today but I'm going to blame that on my upcoming menstrual period! One good thing about BC is that I always know what kind of mood I'm going to be in. I'm kidding, sort of. Hung out at Tom's last night, found a new show that will be my summer rerun-season replacement for 24. It's called the Wire, it's on HBO, and it fucking rocks. Now I just have to go to Tom's every Tuesday (or Sunday, it's on both nights) to watch it, beats the hell out of paying for HBO. I already have 1200+ channels of digital cable that I hardly watch, despite what some people are inclined to believe. With the exception of 2 nights a week during the winter and hardly any nights during the summer, I can usually be found doing something far more productive than parking my ass in front of the television. Therapy should be fun tonight. I had promised L. that I was going to initiate the "what's what" convo w/ M. but guess what, never heard from him! I tried to contact him, 3x, and that's enough. I don't go around chasing boys, that's just not my scene anymore. I mean, if it was me travelling all over the place and I was interested in someone I'd probably be thinking of them and therefore inclined to say "hey, it's me, I'm home for a couple days and leaving again soon but I just wanted to say hello." That's a nice gesture and I'm all about nice gestures. Hell, even Ben made a gesture - having seen him recently I now think it was incredibly nice of him to try calling before he came up to Albany, if for no other reason than to diffuse any potential NYE-related weirdness. Which reminds me, Steph said the funniest thing to me today. She'd had a dream about work last night, and I said oh, I had this weird dream about a show I was watching! And she was all "let me guess, you were Felicity and Ben was Ben and Mike was Mike and life was just peachy?" I was like no, it was about the Wire and these corrupt Polish dockworkers were in my dream! You were Felicity and Ben was Ben. Hardy har. See, Felicity's cute and her major crisis is which boy she should be with. I mean, she's got so many of them chasing her! And my big crisis always revolves around whether I love myself or hate myself at any given moment and trying to decide what the hell to go back to school for. I don't even know what I'd do if I had a pair of guys chasing after me! That doesn't happen in real life, dude. Whatever, though. School and work are more important anyway, I can't worry about boys. Granted, they do consume a lot of my energy, but it's nice to live in that other world sometimes, the world where guys and girls drink and hang out and laugh and giggle and feel each other up, making false promises and declarations of love. God. I sound so bitter! I'm just tired. Tired of all the bullshit, tired of people who fail to communicate and assume that everything is hunky-dorey, sick of the way I let people think that I believe their tired excuses and lies and I just play along... well, maybe I don't. If a person or situation is worth my time I work at it, I do. And I usually let them know it. I don't even know what I'm talking about. I should probably get the hell out of here though and head home...