May 28


Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Yes, that was worth the time and space I just wasted. Today is none too exciting. Took a long walk and ran the stairs at the Capitol (Capital?) yesterday, got up early enough for another long walk this morning. Got my car insurance renewal papers last night and wow, it's amazing what it really costs just to own a car in this state. I keep wondering if I'm left with three choices in this situation - get a second job, give up the car, or move. None of the above are viable options, with the exception of finding a second job, but even that's not great. I reluctantly gave up my yearly habit of working at Macy's for the holidays, and while that decision was financially ungratifying I did gain some peace by not having to race home, walk the dog, try to eat and work from 6-midnight, get home and settled in around 1:30 only to have to get up and work from 9:00-5:00. I don't want to move, either, being involved in my Neighborhood Ass in the way I am pretty much means that I must continue living in the neighborhood. I love my apt, I love my neighbors, I love the location and honestly, I have too much shit to move. Which leads me to the car........... can I really afford $200+ per month just to insure a vehicle? Could I just give up owning a car, sock away the money and rent a car when I need one? What if I have an emergency? Would I really save the money? Will I forever resent the loss of my spontaneity when it comes to road trips? The car is one of the few things I own of any value, how can I just give that up? A car is so much more than just a car, it's a ticket to freedom! The freedom to come and go as one pleases, to escape at a moment's notice, to visit friends in faraway places! Buses don't always go the places I want to go at times that are convenient to me, and cabs are way too expensive. Oh well. I'm a big girl, I'm sure I'll figure something out. I've already cut my grocery budget down to... um, non-existent? Can I give up my weekly drinking meetings? Can I give up asking endless questions to which I don't need to find answers? I'm pretty sure the only thing really wrong with me is that I've had my head up my ass for 29 years, so maybe I should work on that before moving on to the bigger things. Like the grad school app that's sitting on my dining room table. Yes, here we go again with the grad-school talk, the blah blah blah ad nauseum. How the hell am I supposed to finish the essay when everytime I sit down to write it I'm quite convinced that I don't want to apply for forensic psychology, I'd rather get the MA in Guidance & Counseling... or vice versa. Seven years after graduation and I'm still dicking around with this, unbelievable. Again, I clearly have my head stuck so far up my ass that it looks like it's perched on my shoulders. Didn't I already decide to just apply already and get it done with? If they don't accept me I'll go for another program, it's as simple as that. If I could even understand what my fundamental problem here is I'd be at least one step further ahead. Perhaps I have trouble making decisions. When faced with too many options I choose none of them, that much I've figured out. Well, I'm going to speak with a professional about this in just a few hours, so that should be entertaining. Scary as hell, too.......... the road to self-discovery is a bumpy one! I'm taking a step in the right direction, though, or so everyone says... we'll see. Have to run some errands now.