May 27

Work this morning was a number-crunching report-preparing frenzy, followed by let's-all-order-lunch insanity... yet somehow in the midst of all that I managed to come up with two killer ideas for little art projects (well, big projects, I guess, as one of them will be an important component of my pending installation). It's funny how all that work sends my brain spinning into creative overload yet when there's nothing going on I sit here doing, well, nothing... or at least not thinking of anything in particular. Camping this weekend was rainy and cold and we managed to escape just as the black flies made their presence known. Thank God my sleeping bag is rated for either 15 or 20 degrees or something like that, it's the only thing that kept me from freezing to death. In spite of a few miserable moments, I'm still pretty gung-ho about hiking the Appalachian Trail, although I think I might put it on hold for a few more years... I'm applying to grad school soon (for real this time, like in the next few days the application will be complete) and hoping to start in the fall, so any big hiking plans will have to wait a while. It occurred to me the other day how perfect it would be to own a home on a little parcel of land when I start school so I wouldn't have any distractions but honestly, I can be distracted anywhere so I guess it will be nice to be able to take a walk to familiar hangouts when I need a break. I wish that some of my friends were going back with me; we all saw how frustrating it could get when Bry was working on his MSW, he was the only one in school at the time and of course we all wanted him to hang with us when we weren't working! The camping took up a nice space in my weekend, it felt like the right place to be at the time but I was glad to come home. The rain could have ruined my weekend but I was determined not to let it... instead I ended up with a migraine that rendered my Sunday night useless... by the time I got home from Jim's the nausea had taken control of me and I puked over the railing several times heading up my back stairs, I just hope the neighbors didn't think I was drunk or anything! Yesterday was great, another rainy day but so incredibly productive... did some pruning in the kitchen, weeding out the dead plants from the window and stuff, lots of general tidying and cleaning (mopping and dusting, halleluiah!)... had lunch at Panera and read a book, found some killer fabric on sale at Walmart ($1/yd!!!) and got some great beads at JoAnn's. Hopefully my tent will be dry when I get home so I can put all that stuff away, at least until the next big camping adventure... Did some writing over the weekend too, which is always nice... no real stellar moments to speak of in terms of "figuring it all out" but I did feel fairly content overall. Even had a couple moments of extreme satisfaction..... wow! Something about driving around yesterday in the rain, listening to Creedence Clearwater Revival and singing along at the top of my lungs made me feel like I couldn't be any more beautiful than I was right at that moment. I guess that's always a nice change from my usual self-deprecating moments, I just wish I knew how to harness that energy so it would be available to me on a more regular basis. Can't wait to start working on my latest ideas... I will have my own show at the gallery, but not until the moment is just right. And it's coming, I can feel it, just need to get over this fear of success that keeps overshadowing everything. Like what if I do something great and people want more and I can't live up to it? What if I try my hardest and fail? What if I try my hardest and don't fail? What if I just purge myself of all my doubts and just do it? The only one holding me back at this point is me, I really can't blame it on anything else because there is no one holding me back, no one limiting the amount of time I spend on self-discovery and creation. No one telling me what I can and can't do or squashing my hopes and dreams or using their own inadequacies to make me feel inadequate! I think I just know that when the floodgates finally open, when there's more than just a tiny stream of creativity trickling out, that there will be no stopping it. I'm ready, I think... finally ready. George Eliot said "it's never too late to be what you might have been" and, damnit, I'm ready to find out what I might have been had I not let all the other shit in my life get in the way. I hate to wax poetic about my upcoming 30th birthday but really, this is the time for me to blossom. I feel so cheesy saying that! Do other people spend all their time thinking and contemplating and contemplating the thoughts, thinking about the contemplations? Now, more than ever, it's important that I continue pruning the garden that is my life... weeding out the bad, and tending to the seedlings that matter.

Note to self... never ever ever give out cell number to businesses unless they need to reach me (which would only be in circumstances concerning the health of my vehicle or home, I'm sure). That motherfucking psycho-cheerleader from It's Just Lunch just called again - gushing at me "oh Heather I have great news so you have to call me back!!!" What, they've decreased their fee from $1000 to $500? Did I not make it perfectly clear to her the last time I spoke to her that I was not in need of her over-priced dating service? That I had only filled out the online request form because I saw the ad in the Metroland and I had nothing better to do during lunch? That even if I did have a thousand bucks to blow I wouldn't give it to them so they could set me up on 12 dates in a year's time w/ men I have nothing in common with? God almighty! I think I'm doing okay in the dating department anyway, at least I hope so. At any rate, I don't need a team of cheerleaders working on my behalf, I found someone I enjoy spending time with all by myself (hopefully he enjoys spending time with me too)! Gee, imagine that! Anyway... back to work... I have important research to do on creating Java applets!